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Bleach Story RPG

AU Bleach Roleplay Forum, where you can create your own RP character.


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Colbolt Raizel [done]

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on Sun Feb 14, 2016 8:12 pm

He's more of a mention of her past how she and Anna became who they are lol

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on Sun Feb 14, 2016 8:24 pm

I have changed what was requested for me to change

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on Tue Feb 16, 2016 3:29 am

Nice Character design... Quite Interesting...

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on Wed Feb 17, 2016 8:19 pm

Appearance: 2+
Personality: 2+
History: 8+
RP sample: N/A

Overall quality: there are some spelling mistakes and broken code over the app that need addressing and it needs a bit of tidying up to make it nice and tidy.

Ready for approval: No

One thing, you really need a RP sample, Colbolt, plus you really need to work on your appearance and personality as they are dragging you down a lot, I suggest looking at the app grading standards and the character creation guide, link here:

http://www.bleachstory.net/t4643-duquin-s-character-creation-guide

I also have a few issues with a few of your techs, which I'll go over below:

Colbolt wrote:Technique Name: Secert army
Technique Description: Several of her feathers glow and gather the storm that hits them forming into literal soldiers of snow and ice that are able to think on their own but follow her will through her thoughts. This attack lasts about five posts and takes a three post cool down.

First off, Army powers are banned on here, so please remove this.

Colbolt wrote:Opponent is Two+ Tiers Lower: Could withstand about four well aim and powerful strikes of a shinkai over the course of three posts
Opponent is One Tier Lower:could withstand three good strikes of a well aimed and powerful shinkai over the course of two posts
Opponent is Equal Tier:could withstand two good strikes of a shinkai over 1 post
Opponent is One Tier Higher:can withstand one strike of a shinkai and two strikes of a weak bankai in one post
Opponent is Two+ Tiers Higher: can withstand a single strike of a well aim and powerful bankai for only one post

this kinda feels like the tiers lower should be swapped with the tiers higher on this since I doubt your wall of ice would be able to stop a bankai from someone who's two tiers above you or more. although reworded a little, but its more likely your shield of ice could stop a bankai from those under your tier instead of above.

and I guess last thing to say is that I really think this can be a good character, but she needs more work put into it to make her something more then she is now, try to incorporate more of her body into her physical description; like her boob size, body shape, eye color, hair, and many more.

as for personality, try to link her likes/dislikes/goals/etc into her personality and flesh them out more in her personality. once your done, bump and we'll go over it again

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on Thu Feb 18, 2016 7:31 am

alright all done everything that was requested of me to change was changed and worked on

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on Tue Feb 23, 2016 4:16 am

Bump

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on Thu Feb 25, 2016 9:23 pm

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Primera Espada
Primera Espada


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on Thu Feb 25, 2016 10:02 pm

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Shinigami
Shinigami
Appearance: 2+ paragraphs
Personality: 6+ paragraphs
History: 6 paragraphs
RP Sample: 5 paragraphs

Overall Quality: There is a lot of typos and grammatical mistakes - some parts are understandable, but are totally off the rails in terms of grammar. It's not the best writing I've seen, and quality hardly matches the quantity of text. I would maybe give this application a grade of 4-3 or 4-2.

Ready for Approval: Not quite yet. I will now move on to the full review of the application.

For the basic information, I don't see why her age is unknown. You do not detail amnesia in your history, and judging from the details of her human youth, it seems she was born in the 20th century, at best. Less than a hundred years would be indeed an ideal age, considering her level of power. For alignment, you should put 'Lawful', 'Neutral' or 'Chaotic' (this is not necessary, but investing on things like this will get you a better tier). You can refer to Easydamus Alignment System for more information and detail on what these mean.

For appearance, you might want to resize the image to a smaller one and put it in spoilers. By "the dark sands of hundeo mundeo", I assume you meant the white/pale sands of Hueco Mundo? Doesn't seem a big thing, but immediately made me feel unimpressed about your application. This also confuses me deeply; "... about the size that you would find on a child and not a grown woman". Confirm me if I am wrong, but you are talking about wings, right? I, personally, would be gravely terrified of seeing a winged woman on the street... or a child. You should use a different way to express wingspan, one that doesn't include humans. I get awfully plenty of Mary Sue vibes from this section alone.

... Not that it matters, when the personality mentions 'invisible gravitational pull' and apparently gives off an 'aura of wisdom and power to anyone'. The following gives me the most Mary Sue vibes; "She carries herself in such a way that when she enters a room, all go silent and all stop to watch her. Maybe its just the mystery and aura about her existence. Maybe its just her looks that can make her a show stopper." And umm, no offense, but who is Fort Knox? If you're going to use real world examples, please do so with an explanation. The character's personality is pretty much scattered, and is written as bits and pieces, rather than forming a single entirety. For likes and strengths, an eidetic memory is an ability - a good memory is a strength; the personality also make me feel like your character is always able to deduce weaknesses and notice the faintest details in others. Being linked to her sister would be an ability as well, and wouldn't go to this section.

The OCD thing disturbs me, because I feel you just made it part of the character, because you thought it would be cool - really, being organized and enjoying cleanliness is not a mental disorder, whereas OCD is. It is all-encompassing disease, not a personality trait, so if you want to have a character with OCD, please put some research into it. OCD is not something, that gives your character a strength like an eye for detail, and it's defined as something, that prevents a person from "functioning" optimally - it sometimes even makes daily living difficult. Your character doesn't really seem like this type of person. If you'd give time to studying the mental disorder, you'd notice your description is more or less inaccurate.

For the fighting style, you can remove the strongest/weakest attribute, as the stat system was short-lived and it holds no relevance anymore. Your fighting style should be around 2-3 full paragraphs (five to six lines at minimum is what we consider a paragraph).

In terms of abilities, I'd like to see more development, if you're aiming for a higher tier. What effect has her reiatsu on enemies? Can it do anything else? Frost's Gift needs a post-based effect chart for healing/regeneration, as with all healing techniques. We have used a common rule, that 1 post will heal minor injuries, 2 posts will heal moderate injuries, 3 posts will heal major injuries and 4 posts can regrow limbs and heal other extreme injuries. You should explore the limitations of your ability; most often, arrancars cannot heal internal organs, for example, but this is not set in stone, as plenty of PCs have detailed otherwise. We also have commonly seen healing/regeneration as a technique, but you are free to use an ability slot for it.

Now, for the techniques.

Colbolt wrote:Technique Name: Frost's Protection
Technique Description: this is where a large wall of ice is formed in front of her blocking a lot of attacks but when it comes to an attack from a Bankai it shatters like glass it lasts one post but it is a post cool-down.

Technique Effect Chart:

Opponent is Two+ Tiers Lower: can withstand a single strike of a well aim and powerful bankai for only one post
Opponent is One Tier Lower: can withstand one strike of a shinkai and two strikes of a weak bankai in one post
Opponent is Equal Tier: could withstand two good strikes of a shinkai over 1 post
Opponent is One Tier Higher: could withstand three good strikes of a well aimed and powerful shinkai over the course of two posts
Opponent is Two+ Tiers Higher: Could withstand about four well aim and powerful strikes of a shinkai over the course of three posts

I understand she has the affinity of ice, but techniques are most often derived from species or a personal ability - since arrancars do not get ice manipulation by default, you should detail, that she possesses cryokinesis, in the ability section. Maybe meld it together with her reiatsu, so she could instead generate ice and coldness from her reiatsu and then manipulate it? You should also forget the mentions of Bankai and Shikai in effect chart, as they hold no relevance and would make this ability pretty much OP. If you read our tier system, you'll see that a lesser release (like Shikai) gives the boost of +1 AR and a greater release (such as Bankai and Resurreccion) gives the boost of +2 AR. So, when an opponent of equal tier goes to Bankai, their attacks now turn equal in power to that of two tiers higher. PM me or any staff for more details, but first look into the system.

Colbolt wrote:Technique Name: Ice Rain of Feathers
Technique Description: she will fly into the air and send a storm of feathers and shards down upon her opponent as her feather and ice will explode on contact with the ground or the opponent. This attack lasts one post and cools for 2 posts

Technique Effect Chart:

Opponent is Two+ Tiers Lower: massive deep cuts and frostbite literally form within the wound itself
Opponent is One Tier Lower: large cuts and frostbite only on top
Opponent is Equal Tier: large cuts with no frostbite but the cold wind causing the blood to form into ice
Opponent is One Tier Higher: medium cuts with the old wind burning the cut
Opponent is Two+ Tiers Higher: small to medium paper cuts

You might want to change the word 'explode' to something else. The technique effect chart needs some tending. Someone on equal tier would get moderate cuts (moderate=medium), and their blood definitely wouldn't freeze - the latter effect would be more fitting against someone two tiers lower. Opponent one tier above your character would get small cuts, while someone two tiers higher would get only slight paper cuts, if any cuts at all.

Colbolt wrote:Technique Name: Feather blade
Technique Description: this technique deals with her blade.

To start, her wings will glow as they will flap three times, releasing feather and regrowing. The free feathers will then wrap around her blade, some becoming part to make the blade longer, lighter, and stronger as well as with each swing will release a blue reaistu of ice that where this wave of blue light passes over and touches, huge thick ice shards will sprout up. When this attack hits it will automatically encase her victim in ice. To finish off the move Colbolt will appeared above the ice and strike down. The striking on the large ice will send shards into her opponent

Technique Effect Chart:

*The effect chart is for damage, durability, or any other after effect of a technique. The damage/effect/etc will be based off of tiers.*

Opponent is Two+ Tiers Lower: paralyzation of limb for two posts with deep massive possible cuts and possibility of frost bite
Opponent is One Tier Lower: paralyzation of limb for two posts with deep massive possible cuts small possibility of frost bite and massive damage from ice winds
Opponent is Equal Tier: paralyzation of limb for one post with medium deep cuts with slight damage of ice winds
Opponent is One Tier Higher: small possibility of paralyzation of post with small deep cuts
Opponent is Two+ Tiers Higher: very small possibility of paralyzation for a post with paper cuts from the ice shards and slight damage from ice winds

A) No auto-hitting. You need to remove this part.

B) Paralyzation is not a real word. Paralysis is.

B) The tier damage charts need tending. Mostly the same things as in the above technique, but with removal of paralysis chance for someone two tiers above - destroy the ice prison with sheer reiatsu for them would be easy, so they wouldn't be paralyzed. Look over this and report changes made.

For Resurreccion information, by zanpakuto type we ask what kind of weapon it is. A zanpakutou is not a real life weapon, so you need to change it - even sword wont cut it, as you should name the specific type of sword here.

The tier chart of Azura Tornada (I believe there is a typo in the name) as well as of Azure Strings, needs tending. Azura's pet needs re-work as it's basically a copy of a canon technique with a slight change - you are free to have a similar technique, but it needs rewording.

For history, I am pretty much confused of her arrancar life. Berenguer has never been affiliated with the Espada, which is a newly formed organization by Gravel Fel. I don't see how she would have gotten the position of 4th, considering her level of power. Her research needs more emphasis and more information. Togabito are a banned race, and we don't have such a thing as demons. Moreover, Amaya Yashia was never the captain of Division 2; Shihoin family has held that position for longer than anyone can remember.

Please message me, if you didn't understand something in specific.

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on Sat Oct 29, 2016 9:40 pm

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Vizard
Vizard
massive deep cuts and frostbite literally form within the wound itself

Just say cuts and possible frostbite.

paralyzation of limb for two posts with deep massive possible cuts and possibility of frost bite

Needs a 3 post cooldown, one post paralysis, the rest see the last thing.

That last ability still has a tier chart.

All paralysis needs one limb, and only one at a time. Also, cooldown of 3 posts on anything involving paralysis.

Instead of clarifying Massive, let's assume we know that needles raining from the sky hurts.

Fix that, then approved for 2-3


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on Mon Oct 31, 2016 8:26 am

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Vizard
Vizard
Approved 2-3


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Obviously my characters are righttttt there.
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